| Location | Essex |
| Age | 0 |
| Cause of Death | Still Birth |
| Date of Birth | 10/02/2008 |
| Date of Death | 08/02/2008 |
| Visitors | 16,606 since 05/03/2008 |
| Creator |
Sometimes Love is for a moment
Sometimes Love is for a lifetime
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.
Joshua - so loved, so very loved.
LITTLE ONE
Not a single day goes by when I won’t think about you
Often I break down and cry – reminded I’m without you,
It feels as though a piece of me has gone and left a space
But I cannot let others know what cannot be replaced.
I miss the times we never had, the games we didn’t play
My loneliness has left me sad but I’ll hide it away.
I want to tell the world of you and pour out all this pain
But they won’t understand, it’s true - so nobody would gain.
I feel you are still near to me and just a dream away
Together again we will be - someday far away.
I would do anything for you to bring you back to me
There is nothing I wouldn’t do if only it could be
I ache to hold you close and see your face one more time,
Although my love is wrapped in pain you’ll still always be mine.
Even though we’re far apart and cannot be together
You’re always with me in my heart; and will be there forever.
I love you Josh. Love from Mummy xXx
Written by Rachel Bass Feb 08 and read at the Funeral Service.
JOSHUA NATHAN BASS
10-02-2008
Beloved son and brother (& grandson and nephew)
Much missed.
Weighed 1lb 4oz (560 gm)
11 inches long (28 cm)
Born sleeping; straight into Heaven on Sunday 10th February 2008 at 3:50 pm to Rachel & David.
Funeral and cremation was held on Monday 18th February 2008 (the day before my birthday) at 9:45 am at Forest Park Crematorium, Hainault, just for David & I (Josh's parents). We laid three white roses on the tiny white casket; from each of us and James. We had Eva Cassidy's version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" played and my poem "Little One" read out. Our heartfelt thanks to Rodney and all at J. Markfields, Loughton, Essex for their sensitivity, compassion and generosity regarding the funeral and details; and also to Forest Park.
Interment of Ashes at St. John's C of E Church, Buckhurst Hill, Essex on Friday 23rd May 2008, which was my Due Date (or D Day as I call it) at 10:30 am. A few close friends came to support us for this. Everybody wore something blue as I had asked them to (blue for a boy). My poem "Joshua Nathan" was read out as part of the Service by the Revd Corinne Brixton. Thank you Corinne for both the Funeral and Interment Services - which were lovely and very special and personal. It really helped to have somebody who knows us doing it. Joshua's ashes were buried next to my Mother; so we can visit them together and he is not on his own.
Our second-born child, our second son. Baby brother to James aged 6 years old at the time.
Joshua was born an Angel-Baby 6 months into the pregnancy because he had a severe form of CDH (Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia) as well as a badly damaged heart. Also because the damaged heterogenous placenta and 2-vessel umbilical cord could not sustain him to term.
Sometimes it is not about finding the answers, but in learning to live with the questions.
"How very softly you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently, only for moments you stayed.
But Oh what an imprint your footsteps have left upon my heart."
Joshua you were so longed-for by your Mummy, Daddy and Big Brother James. We had waited for you and were so happy and hopeful. You were made with love and so loved. You were very active inside Mummy's tummy and she really enjoyed feeling your movements and listening to your heartbeat. She even enjoyed all the morning sickness because she was so happy to know she was carrying you!
You will always be our precious baby son; we will never forget you, and we were blessed to have had you for that brief time, although it was just inside Mummy's tummy.
"Even though we're far apart, there'll always be within our hearts, a very large and constant part, that is kept just for you."
We love you and we will always love you. Our pure and precious child. We will never forget you and how fragile but perfect you were. Your beautiful little face and your tiny hands and feet.. you were gorgeous and delicate and looked so much like your brother and father - which is lovely as we can imagine how you would have looked growing up. I am so glad we got the bronze casts of your hands and feet; it is so special to be able to hold and touch them and remember how tiny but perfect you were, see the little creases and nails... you were so beautiful.
Your Grandma Carol (my Mum) will look after you now for us until we are reunited. Also all your Great-Grandparents Ruby, Gilbert, Kit & Bill plus Grandma Liz and Cousin Gillian (who will love it as she did not get to take care of her own baby son on earth) along with her oldest sibling, my other cousin that I never got to meet who was also born sleeping.
Born still but still born.
Our hearts grieve so much but we are still so grateful to have had you. We are comforted to know that you are at Peace.
"A beautiful flower, lent not given, to bud on earth and bloom in heaven."
Born straight into eternal life. Our darling, darling baby boy.
Grief is not forever - but love is.
Love never ends.
There will never be a day when I won't think of you.
All our love always from Mummy, Daddy and Big Brother James xXx
JOSHUA
For years we had longed for another
Then at last a test showed two blue lines
We were filled with intense joy and awe
A creation of our love combined.
From feeling your first tiny movements
To hearing your steady heartbeat
Daddy and I were excited
You would make our family complete.
I know that you knew our three voices
You’d respond to my questioning touch
But Joshua did you sense back then
That I loved you, so very much?
Your big brother James is so lonely
He needs to share his childhood
My boy, how he would have adored you
And oh how we wish that he could.
My happiness grew with my waistline
I felt full of sunshine and hope
Then came that fateful bad scan
Our dreams and our hearts smashed and broke.
You would live out all your little lifespan
All privately inside of me
We had thought you’d outlive all of us
But my Darling, it was not to be.
That day that we knew we had lost you
Was truly the worst of my life
The anguish and the loss so intense
It can still cut through me like a knife.
When you were born it was so quiet
The peace in the eye of the storm
My heart hemorrhaged with love
Which has left it open, but torn.
Daddy and I recognized you
Our child so perfect and sweet
You looked so much like your big brother
Right down to your lovely long feet.
Drinking you in was a gift
Holding you made me feel whole
Why you were taken so early
Is something we cannot yet know.
We yearned to gaze into your blue eyes
And for you to have breathed in our air
But our baby, how you would have suffered
Our selfishness would not have been fair.
So you were born straight into Heaven
Your passage there was short and swift
And we are the ones who are hurting
Our Joshua, how you are missed.
We’ll always be grateful we had you
Our love for you will never end
You are our second son and a brother
So that is the message we send.
We’ll always have questions about you
Your personality, looks, voice and such
But we already know the important
That regardless, we’d love you as much.
In Heaven we know you’ll be waiting
We’ll hear your voice and touch your face
Then we’ll have all of eternity
To talk, laugh, explain and embrace.
Just know until then, our dear Angel
You will stay in our thoughts night and day
And throughout the rest of our lives here
Our love for you won’t fade away.
There’ll always be a space amongst us
We shall miss you so much, that is true
But there’s something we could never regret
And our beautiful son, that is you.
You are our sorrow and our delight
We will stop loving and missing you never
The child we had, but do not have
Yet the child we shall have forever.
"Joshua Nathan
My cherished pride, my secret joy
My pure and perfect little boy."
Love always, from Mummy xXx
Written by Rachel Bass May 08 and read at Internment of Ashes Service.
Joshua: meaning “God is my salvation”
Nathan: meaning “Gift from God”.
You were my gift and you were saved.
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------♥♥------Put This
----♥♥-♥♥--- - On Your
---♥♥---♥♥-- -Profile If
---♥♥---♥♥-- -You Know
---♥♥---♥♥-- -Someone
----♥♥-♥♥--- -Who Died
-----♥♥♥----- Of
----♥♥-♥♥--- -Cancer And
---♥♥---♥♥-- -You Love
--♥♥-----♥♥- -Very Much
In loving memory of my beautiful cousin Gillian Redfern Ashdown, who died of breast cancer in her early thirties on 13/07/97 leaving her husband, 3 year old daughter and 6 week old son.
And especially my wonderful and brilliant Mum CAROL Redfern Mayes Burnham, who was only given six months to live but bravely battled breast cancer for three and a half years for the sake of her three young daughters. She even made the London Tonight programme and The Times newspaper for defying the odds for so long! When she lost the battle I was 24, my sisters Rebecca were 17 and Ruth 11 - it was Ruth's last day at Primary school.
I still remember my Mum's motto was W.T.F. (What the F***!!) as she always chose to seize the day and go for it with everything! She heard that line in the film "Risky Business" with Tom Cruise and thought it was brilliant. She had it iced onto a cake one year!
At her funeral we played "Because You Loved Me" by Celine Dion - that about sums it up for me.
Our Fabulous Mum: 31/12/1945 - 14/07/2000
"A light has gone from our household,
A voice we love is stilled,
A place is missing in our hearts
That can never be filled."
God bless you Mum and look after my baby Josh for me, other than David and I you are the best person for the role. I entrust one of my precious sons into your care, and I felt you and the Holy Spirit come and take him. At the time of Joshua's passing I felt this incredible sense of warmth and peace flooding through me. I knew exactly when it was because of this. Thank you Mum for everything. I'm grateful to you and I love you.
I Carry Your Heart With Me
I carry your heart with me
(I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it
(anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my Darling)
I fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world
(for beautiful, you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you.
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows;
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart:
I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart).
By E E Cummings.
Love you to the stars and back my son. There will never be a day when I don't think of you. Love always Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Divided Loyalties" - written by Rachel Bass
I am a Mother to two special boys
This fact will always be true
The love that I have for both of them
Has cut my heart in two.
Half my thoughts are here with James
The other half are with Josh
Half my Maternal feelings sated
Yet half always in loss.
Whenever James does something good
It reflects what Josh cannot
Both boys are on my mind all day
But for others, one’s forgot.
How can I love both sons so much
When one I never knew?
The answer’s in my broken heart;
A Mother’s love stays true.
I live a strange and duel life
Mum to both angel and boy
And whilst my heart forever aches
It’s also filled with joy.
I know that others just don’t see
And not that they don’t care
The happiness in one child
Hides the pain in one not there.
My heart and mind are in two places
It seems not fair or right
Throughout life now I wear two faces
Sun and moon, day and night.
My soul is bathed in light and rain
Which makes it blossom, yet
The love which brings both joy and pain
Gives gifts I’ll never regret.
My beautiful first son so healthy and strong
And my innocent one born so still
I’m blessed to have had two
I love you both so
And my sons know that I always will.
Rachel Bass
31 July 2010
Hello
I've been alone with you inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your face a thousand times
I sometimes dream you pass outside my door
Hello, is it me you're looking for?
I would see it in your eyes
I would see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted, and my arms are open wide
'Cause I'd know just what to say
And I'd know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much, I love you ...
I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again how much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello, I've just got to let you know
'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely,
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying, I love you ...
Hello, is it me you're looking for?
'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying ... I love you
Lyrics by Lionel Richie
I Measure Every Grief...
by Emily Dickinson
I measure every grief I meet
With analytic eyes;
I wonder if it weighs like mine,
Or has an easier size.
I wonder if they bore it long,
Or did it just begin?
I could not tell the date of mine,
It feels so old a pain.
I wonder if it hurts to live,
And if they have to try,
And whether, could they choose between,
They would not rather die.
I wonder if when years have piled--
Some thousands--on the cause
Of early hurt, if such a lapse
Could give them any pause;
Or would they go on aching still
Through centuries above,
Enlightened to a larger pain
By contrast with the love.
The grieved are many, I am told;
The reason deeper lies,--
Death is but one and comes but once
And only nails the eyes.
There's grief of want, and grief of cold,--
A sort they call 'despair,'
There's banishment from native eyes,
In sight of native air.
And though I may not guess the kind
Correctly yet to me
A piercing comfort it affords
In passing Calvary,
To note the fashions of the cross
Of those that stand alone
Still fascinated to presume
That some are like my own.
GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. SENDING ALL MY LOVE GLORIA XOXO
Cosmic Love
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart.
Lyrics from Florence and the Machine
Thinking of you as always Darling Joshua. There is never a day that I don't think of you and wonder how things could and should be different if you were here with us. You would be starting Nursery in September! I would send you to the one I work at - they are excellent.
A Red Admiral butterfly came in my bedroom yesterday - James and I released it. I wondered if it was a sign from you or your Grandma. It was ten years ago today that we held Grandma's funeral (3pm). I do miss my Mum so very much. Please give her an extra cuddle and kiss from me today Darling. I hope she knows that her three daughters have always met up and celebrated her on every single one of her Angel Days. And this year we are also going to The Dorchester for afternoon tea to mark the decade! something she planned to do with us but ran out of time.
Missing you my son, my baby boy, but loving you more.
So much love for you. Love always from Mummy XXXXXXXXXX
Listening to P!nk - lyrics made me think of you Son....
That last kiss, I'll cherish, until we meet again
But time makes it harder, I wish I could remember
But I keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep
My Darling....who knew?
Nobody likes, nobody likes to hear that inner voice.
The one I used to hear before my life... made a choice
I think nobody knows, nobody knows....
Baby, don't it feel like I'm all alone?
Who's gonna be there now that my last angel has flown, and I'm left here on my own?
I think nobody knows, nobody knows.
And though this journey's over, I'd go back if you asked me to.
You're my crack of Sunlight.
Love you Joshua - You Are Always On My Mind. You are ALWAYS on my mind
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Daddy you will never show me,
How to catch or throw a ball.
Or tie my laces really tight,
Or how to fish, with bait and all.
You’ll never teach me A,B,C’s
Or read to me and tuck me in.
You’ll never kiss and make me laugh,
With tickles from your spiky chin.
You’ll never see me graduate,
For my cap and gown, I’ll never see,
And you’ll never hold my babies,
Like you never got to cuddle me.
You would have been the best Daddy,
But I had gone before you knew,
So, instead of watching me, my Daddy,
I’ll be watching over you.
We will be missing you so much this Fathers Day Sunday Darling little boy. Things like that just won't ever be completely happy - because you are not here with us. It's a wound that will never heal, we realise that. But we conceal it from others because they can't possibly understand (unless they have suffered a similar loss themselves) and there is no point making others feel uncomfortable or sad for us. But just because we hid it, does not mean we are not secretly aching for you and feeling your absence as always son.
The other day down the Churchyard as we watered your plants, your big brother whispered "I'll be having a walk with you when I am seventeen Joshua." I have no idea where he got that from bless him and my heart breaks for him also because he is so lonely and he misses having you for a brother here on earth. I honestly have no idea as to why you were taken from us. It is so unfair and cruel. You would have been so very loved, and you were so very wanted, by everyone. We waited a long time for you too! It wasn't easy. And then to have you taken away by being so poorly... I'll never understand in this lifetime.
Anyway poppet, as you know I have been unwell and am having tests. Stay close to me my special angel, I really do need to stay here as long as possible, because your brother is so innocent and vulnerable and dependant, and we know he always will be. It fills me with fear to think about what will happen when Daddy & I have to leave him behind when out times come. Yet another reason why we wanted him to have a sibling. See? Makes no sense!
Will bring you a new card down on Sunday, but don't think I'll be much in the mood for Church. Better to stay with Daddy and James and have family fun don't you agree?
We will light real candles for you on Sunday night Precious. Daddy misses you every day, he just doesn't like to upset me by talking about it. but he told me a while ago that he thinks about you all the time, and I know it's true because so do I. I think other family members do also and again just don't like to say. I wish they would though - it's not like they can remind me because I never forget! I think about you EVERY DAY. The mention of your name actually is like music to me. I love speaking of you and knowing that others are thinking of you.
Send Daddy a special Angel hug and kiss this Sunday and give him some comfort and peace on what is sure to be a bitter-sweet day my darling.
Love you to the stars and back, love Mummy xxxxxxxx
Tattoo Lyrics - Jordin Sparks
No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more;
Keep my hand in the fire
and sooner or later, I might get what I'm asking for.
No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed;
That truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger, I’ve got to let my spirit be free
To admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind,
Sorry but I have to move on
And leave you behind
I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken;
No need to worry about everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one.
Don't look back at a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection;
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo.
(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you, I'll always have you)
I'm sick of playing all of these games
It's not about taking sides;
When I looked in the mirror, didn't deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could
Stop, admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind,
Sorry but I’ve got to be strong
And leave you behind
I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken;
No need to worry about everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one.
Don't look back at a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection;
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo.
(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you)
If I live every moment
Won't change any moment,
Still a part of me and you.
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you,
Marks everything I do.
I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken;
No need to worry about everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one.
Don't look back at a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection;
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo.
(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you)
Just like a tattoo
I'll always have……you!
Precious Child by Karen Taylor Good
In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still
In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still
In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then
In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart
Charity Abseil
Hello my gorgeous little Prince
Today Mummy and Daddy did their sponsored abseils. Same as we did 2 years ago but a different charity this time. Once again though we did it in your name and for your memory. The weather was not kind to us and it was raining, very windy and freezing cold! They were also running late because of the bad weather so there was a lot of hanging around a muddy field; which your poor brother did not enjoy one bit. However, he did enjoy the port-a-loos and spent a fair amount of time popping in and out just to flush them!
When we did the abseils 2 years ago, you had only been gone for just under 3 months and I was in a bad place, still raw with grief and yet strangely numb at the same time. I had never abseiled before (unlike adrenalin-rush junkie Daddy!) and I remember feeling that I just didn't care as I was not properly anchored in this world and in the present-tense at that time. I was still underwater - the world was muffled and slow and far-off back then. So I was not that scared.
But this time I knew what to expect and coupled with the weather I was terrified! Really shaking and trying to stay calm. All the waiting around beforehand did not help, and we had already had all day to wait before arriving! But I am pleased and proud to say that I did it. I did it for the Charity and more than anything I did it for you. I thought about you and all the other little angel babies, and the angel parents I have sadly come to know, and I just thought to myself "I have had to be braver than this before now" and also that I could not let the Charity, or everyone else, or myself, or you down. So I felt the fear and did it anyway.
Daddy was fine - he is experienced. But he still did well and I am proud of him. I asked him recently if he thought about you as he never mentions you and I seem to be the only one who chats about you. He looked very shocked and hurt and replied "I think about him every day, all the time" and I was pleased to know that. So I know you already feel it and know it, but you are still so very very loved and missed, and always will be.
We have managed to raise an impressive grand total of 700 for the Charity in your memory! We are thrilled to bits with that final amount Darling. In this way, your fleeting little life still goes on and helps and touches others. Even if they don't directly know it; you are still making a positive difference.
I have also booked to have my tattoo done and it will be inked on Tuesday 11th May - only just over a week to go - eek! I can't wait for it to be healed and to have your name permanently on my skin, just as it is on my heart.
It is a dragonfly with your name making up the big top two wings (Joshua Nathan) and our Latin quote making up the bottom two(Depressa Resurgo). It will be unique and special just like you.
Soar high my beautiful Dragonfly - Born straight from the water into the sky.
Love you to the stars and back, always will.
Mummy XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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